159 Funny Quotes to Make You Laugh


relaxing nature image

Reality continues to ruin my life.

Bill Watterson        

relaxing nature image

Dalai Lama image

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

Dalai Lama        

Dalai Lama image

relaxing nature image

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen        

relaxing nature image

Kurt Vonnegut image

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

Kurt Vonnegut        

Kurt Vonnegut image

Albert Einstein image

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

Albert Einstein        

Albert Einstein image

relaxing nature image

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

Mae West        

relaxing nature image

Lewis Carroll image

It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Lewis Carroll        

Lewis Carroll image

relaxing nature image

So many books, so little time.

Frank Zappa        

relaxing nature image

Mark Twain image

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Mark Twain        

Mark Twain image

relaxing nature image

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Rodney Dangerfield        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

Every man has a sane spot somewhere.

Robert Louis Stevenson        

relaxing nature image

Richard Bach image

Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished – If you're alive it isn't.

Richard Bach        

Richard Bach image

unknown image

Don't judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.

unknown        

unknown image

W. C. Fields image

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

W. C. Fields        

W. C. Fields image

relaxing nature image

Sane is boring.

R.A. Salvatore        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Fran Lebowitz        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realise I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin        

relaxing nature image

unknown image

It's okay if you don't like me. Not everyone has good taste.

unknown        

unknown image

relaxing nature image

Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.

Laurell K. Hamilton        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

Douglas Adams        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Al McGuire        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

Goal setting is similar to travelling from point A to point B within a city. If you clearly understand what the goal is, you will definitely reach the destination because you know its address.

Thomas Abreu        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

Bill Murray        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror.

Danny Zuker        

relaxing nature image

unknown image

Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.

unknown        

unknown image

relaxing nature image

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Alan Dundles        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck.

Elvis Presley        

relaxing nature image

Jane Austen image

The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.

Jane Austen        

Jane Austen image

unknown image

Finally my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.

unknown        

unknown image

relaxing nature image

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.

Bill Murray        

relaxing nature image

Oscar Wilde image

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

Oscar Wilde        

Oscar Wilde image

Mark Twain image

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Mark Twain        

Mark Twain image

unknown image

When nothing is going right, go left.

unknown        

unknown image

relaxing nature image

Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.

Suzanne Collins        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

As you get older, three things happen: The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.

Norman Wisdom        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

Terry Pratchett        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

If laughter is the best medicine, let's OD together.

Michael P. Clutton        

relaxing nature image

Winston S. Churchill image

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.

Winston S. Churchill        

Winston S. Churchill image

relaxing nature image

When you pray be careful of how you respond to what you get. I read somewhere that if you pray for rain. Don't complain about the mud!

Hyacinth Mottley        

relaxing nature image

Phyllis Diller image

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller        

Phyllis Diller image

relaxing nature image

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

Anthony Burgess        

relaxing nature image

Steven Wright image

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Steven Wright        

Steven Wright image

Mark Twain image

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Mark Twain        

Mark Twain image

Charles F. Kettering image

Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax.

Charles F. Kettering        

Charles F. Kettering image

relaxing nature image

Life is like the stock market. Some days you're up. Some days you're down. And some days you feel like something the bull left behind.

Paula Wall        

relaxing nature image

unknown image

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

unknown        

unknown image

Steven Wright image

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Steven Wright        

Steven Wright image

Steven Wright image

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

Steven Wright        

Steven Wright image

Albert Einstein image

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

Albert Einstein        

Albert Einstein image

Mitch Hedberg image

Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2000 of something.

Mitch Hedberg        

Mitch Hedberg image

Mitch Hedberg image

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

Mitch Hedberg        

Mitch Hedberg image

Dr. Seuss image

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

Dr. Seuss        

Dr. Seuss image

Steven Wright image

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

Steven Wright        

Steven Wright image

relaxing nature image

Puns are the highest form of literature.

Alfred Hitchcock        

relaxing nature image

George Carlin image

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

George Carlin        

George Carlin image

relaxing nature image

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by then I was too famous.

Robert Benchley        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

You're only as good as your last haircut.

Fran Lebowitz        

relaxing nature image

Winston S. Churchill image

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Winston S. Churchill        

Winston S. Churchill image

relaxing nature image

Watching a person who successfully loses fifty pounds and changes her life is more inspirational than listening to a fitness coach with a perfect body.

Martin Meadows        

relaxing nature image

Mark Twain image

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.

Mark Twain        

Mark Twain image

unknown image

I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.

unknown        

unknown image

relaxing nature image

I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin        

relaxing nature image

Charles M. Schulz image

I love mankind ... it's people I can't stand!!

Charles M. Schulz        

Charles M. Schulz image

Ellen DeGeneres image

I enjoy growing older and wiser and learning from my mistakes every single day.

Ellen DeGeneres        

Ellen DeGeneres image

unknown image

My life feels like a test I didn't study for.

unknown        

unknown image

unknown image

Always remember that you are unique. Just like everybody else.

unknown        

unknown image

relaxing nature image

Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.

Kyle Chandler        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.

David Ogilvy        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

Don't be so humble – you are not that great.

Golda Meir        

relaxing nature image

George Bernard Shaw image

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

George Bernard Shaw        

George Bernard Shaw image

Groucho Marx image

I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.

Groucho Marx        

Groucho Marx image

relaxing nature image

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

Cathy Guisewite        

relaxing nature image

Thomas A. Edison image

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.

Thomas A. Edison        

Thomas A. Edison image

relaxing nature image

Why do they call it 'rush hour' when nothing moves?

Robin Williams        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Rodney Dangerfield        

relaxing nature image

Steven Wright image

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright        

Steven Wright image

George Carlin image

The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

George Carlin        

George Carlin image

Mitch Hedberg image

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

Mitch Hedberg        

Mitch Hedberg image

relaxing nature image

Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Charles J. Sykes        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Clint Eastwood        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

Dennis Wholey        

relaxing nature image

Steven Wright image

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Steven Wright        

Steven Wright image

relaxing nature image

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

Billy Sunday        

relaxing nature image

Ellen DeGeneres image

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

Ellen DeGeneres        

Ellen DeGeneres image

Josh Billings image

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.

Josh Billings        

Josh Billings image

Elbert Hubbard image

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Elbert Hubbard        

Elbert Hubbard image

relaxing nature image

Opportunity is always knocking. The problem is that most people have the self-doubt station in their heads turned up way too loud to hear it.

Brian Vaszily        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

The only time I don't have any problems in this world is when I am already six feet below the ground.

James Jason        

relaxing nature image

Steven Wright image

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.

Steven Wright        

Steven Wright image

relaxing nature image

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Steve Martin        

relaxing nature image

Groucho Marx image

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Groucho Marx        

Groucho Marx image

Pablo Picasso image

I'd like to live as a poor man with lots of money.

Pablo Picasso        

Pablo Picasso image

relaxing nature image

The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.

Gore Vidal        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

Arthur C. Clarke        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

Franklin P. Jones        

relaxing nature image

unknown image

I'm actually not funny. I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking.

unknown        

unknown image

unknown image

Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.

unknown        

unknown image

relaxing nature image

That is the best-to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny.

Gloria Vanderbilt        

relaxing nature image

Theodore Roosevelt image

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

Theodore Roosevelt        

Theodore Roosevelt image

unknown image

My brain has too many tabs open.

unknown        

unknown image

relaxing nature image

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Joan Rivers        

relaxing nature image

Will Rogers image

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

Will Rogers        

Will Rogers image

relaxing nature image

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

Charles Bukowski        

relaxing nature image

William Shakespeare image

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!

William Shakespeare        

William Shakespeare image

Dale Carnegie image

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Dale Carnegie        

Dale Carnegie image

Steven Wright image

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Steven Wright        

Steven Wright image

Will Rogers image

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

Will Rogers        

Will Rogers image

relaxing nature image

The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.

Joe Girard        

relaxing nature image

Winston S. Churchill image

If you're going through hell, keep going.

Winston S. Churchill        

Winston S. Churchill image

relaxing nature image

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Robert A. Heinlein        

relaxing nature image

Steven Wright image

I'm addicted to placebos.

Steven Wright        

Steven Wright image

relaxing nature image

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Joan Rivers        

relaxing nature image

Phyllis Diller image

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Phyllis Diller        

Phyllis Diller image

Mitch Hedberg image

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

Mitch Hedberg        

Mitch Hedberg image

relaxing nature image

Aspire to inspire before we expire.

Eugene Bell Jr.        

relaxing nature image

Spanish proverb image

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.

Spanish proverb        

Spanish proverb image

relaxing nature image

So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?

Christina Aguilera        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Peter Ustinov        

relaxing nature image

Robert Frost image

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

Robert Frost        

Robert Frost image

relaxing nature image

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

Ron White        

relaxing nature image

Mark Twain image

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

Mark Twain        

Mark Twain image

Charles M. Schulz image

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

Charles M. Schulz        

Charles M. Schulz image

relaxing nature image

When you're eight years old nothing is your business.

Lenny Bruce        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

Jack Benny        

relaxing nature image

unknown image

Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.

unknown        

unknown image

George Carlin image

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

George Carlin        

George Carlin image

Walt Whitman image

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.

Walt Whitman        

Walt Whitman image

unknown image

I don't even believe myself when I say I'll be ready in 5 minutes.

unknown        

unknown image

relaxing nature image

Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.

James A. Garfield        

relaxing nature image

unknown image

Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you're stupid and you make bad decisions.

unknown        

unknown image

relaxing nature image

Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

Will Ferrell        

relaxing nature image

Charles M. Schulz image

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

Charles M. Schulz        

Charles M. Schulz image

Mark Twain image

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Mark Twain        

Mark Twain image

relaxing nature image

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

Paul Terry        

relaxing nature image

Jane Austen image

A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.

Jane Austen        

Jane Austen image

relaxing nature image

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Jerry Seinfeld        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

Garrison Keillor        

relaxing nature image

Will Rogers image

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

Will Rogers        

Will Rogers image

relaxing nature image

If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Lawrence Ferlinghetti        

relaxing nature image

Will Rogers image

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

Will Rogers        

Will Rogers image

John Green image

Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?' In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself.

John Green        

John Green image

relaxing nature image

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Fred Allen        

relaxing nature image

Abraham Lincoln image

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.

Abraham Lincoln        

Abraham Lincoln image

Will Rogers image

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Will Rogers        

Will Rogers image

relaxing nature image

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Sam Levenson        

relaxing nature image

unknown image

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

unknown        

unknown image

Steven Wright image

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Steven Wright        

Steven Wright image

relaxing nature image

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

Jim Henson        

relaxing nature image

Mark Twain image

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Mark Twain        

Mark Twain image

Steven Wright image

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Steven Wright        

Steven Wright image

George Carlin image

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

George Carlin        

George Carlin image

relaxing nature image

Usually I'm remarkably good natured. Try me on a day that doesn't end in y.

Cassandra Clare        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.

Jimmy Carter        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

When you have failed at being nice, you've actually succeeded in being mean. Success is everywhere if you know where to look for it.

Katina Ferguson        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.

Orson Welles        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

Helen Rowland        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

The process of learning is a nonstop orgy of wonderment.

Lev Grossman        

relaxing nature image

relaxing nature image

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Mae West        

relaxing nature image


For more quotes you can browse the following pages:

Quotes by Topic Inspirational Images Quotes of the Day Quotes by Author