Reality continues to ruin my life.
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
So many books, so little time.
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Every man has a sane spot somewhere.
Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished â€“ If you're alive it isn't.
Don't judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Sane is boring.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realise I should have been more specific.
It's okay if you don't like me. Not everyone has good taste.
Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.
I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Goal setting is similar to travelling from point A to point B within a city. If you clearly understand what the goal is, you will definitely reach the destination because you know its address.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror.
Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck.
The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.
Finally my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
When nothing is going right, go left.
Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.
As you get older, three things happen: The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
If laughter is the best medicine, let's OD together.
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.
When you pray be careful of how you respond to what you get. I read somewhere that if you pray for rain. Don't complain about the mud!
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax.
Life is like the stock market. Some days you're up. Some days you're down. And some days you feel like something the bull left behind.
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2000 of something.
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
Puns are the highest form of literature.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by then I was too famous.
You're only as good as your last haircut.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Watching a person who successfully loses fifty pounds and changes her life is more inspirational than listening to a fitness coach with a perfect body.
Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.
I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.
I love mankind ... it's people I can't stand!!
I enjoy growing older and wiser and learning from my mistakes every single day.
My life feels like a test I didn't study for.
Always remember that you are unique. Just like everybody else.
Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.
The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.
Don't be so humble – you are not that great.
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.
I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.
Why do they call it 'rush hour' when nothing moves?
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Opportunity is always knocking. The problem is that most people have the self-doubt station in their heads turned up way too loud to hear it.
The only time I don't have any problems in this world is when I am already six feet below the ground.
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
I'd like to live as a poor man with lots of money.
The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
I'm actually not funny. I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking.
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.
That is the best-to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny.
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
My brain has too many tabs open.
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.
If you're going through hell, keep going.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
I'm addicted to placebos.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
Aspire to inspire before we expire.
Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.
So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
When you're eight years old nothing is your business.
I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.
I don't even believe myself when I say I'll be ready in 5 minutes.
Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.
Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you're stupid and you make bad decisions.
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.
A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?' In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Usually I'm remarkably good natured. Try me on a day that doesn't end in y.
My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.
When you have failed at being nice, you've actually succeeded in being mean. Success is everywhere if you know where to look for it.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.
Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.
The process of learning is a nonstop orgy of wonderment.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
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